It’s not considered “exchanging” unless you break your heart for it
ph. by me
I don’t think I’ve asked for much in exchange for my shot at writing. When I came to terms with this ability, I found how to translate the world around me in a way I could understand and love. Cold as it may sound, I’d readily sacrifice the means to indulge myself or to dine on weekends for the time to jot down a piece. I’d give up a number of acquaintances and the carefree lifestyle with night plans. In return, I’d adopt decades of senseless, wage-less work and faltering support. In this quaint city, I thought I could give up about anything because nothing was held too dear in the first place.
My mother and father, both from Seoul will return to California this year, 2011. If you’ve glanced through my blog, it’s been seven years since I’ve been waiting to reunite with them. This distance between us has been the source of much of my writing/poetry. All of a sudden, it came to me while applying to graduate programs in the east coast: I’d be asked to willingly choose between my craft and my family. I’d have to decide between further researching poetry or being with my family after 7 years of separation. This was the very thing I’d feared the most. I don’t have to go, I tell myself frequently between post-office visits, or better yet, I won’t get accepted anywhere. I asked for very little in exchange for writing, but I’d forgotten something so important. It’s not considered exchanging unless you break your heart for it.
Forgive me if what I say here is without proper context, or, even, tact.
A lot of changes are coming up for you and you might consider it selfish if you choose what is in your own academic interest, or, to whatever extent it may, personal interest. I’m not at a point where I can tell you if it was worth it, and even if I was it would only be my particular experience. But I will relay what others have told me and what I’ve seen so far.
There is a point where educational investment and personal interests, along with a myriad of other factors, affects your decision making for your career. And I would be lying to you if I didn’t feel deluded at least a bit to think that choosing a graduate education was the best choice. But even it isn’t, you cannot possibly consider the alternative. At some level, graduate study is a selfish endeavor. You spend several more years of your life in intellectual gluttony in the hopes that, among other things, you convince four people you’re worth it, and maybe a handful of others your contributions are significant.
In a lot of ways I have felt guilty about this, and in some respects my relationships with family and friends have suffered. That doesn’t mean they have to, sometimes I choose work over family because it’s something which I know I can handle. But I really don’t know your situation and don’t know where your heart is either. What I can say, if anything, is academic. And that is, if you still remember that graduate study is an investment of your time, the diversity of the rewards as they are, then you should embrace the change and look forward to the experience. But if your obligations, maybe not obligations that word is too strong… if other considerations in your life pull on to them, then do them. I guess what my rambling is about is that regardless of what you choose you’ll have to do it keeping the other option in mind and convince yourself (sometimes after the fact) that your choices were appropriate.
Anyway, I do hope you get some light on this, and just to let you know I have some of the same problems, being six months away from walking across that stage…
Dear Ray,
Thanks for taking the time to expand on your thoughts. I feel you’ve done more than express yourself with tact.
I really like your use of “intellectual gluttony,” because that’s what it feels like when academia holds high priority. But I like to think that it’s not gluttony in the way that people fall for fame or corporate wealth. It’s a little above all that (at least for a little while). I think, even while writing this piece, I knew that I’d go to graduate school though I’d have to extend the reunion between my family and me. Like you, I plan to invest in graduate study because it really is an experience that goes longer than just three years. It’s a new life waiting for me.
Hope you drop by again,
(and leave a link next time so I could get back to you)!
angela
i really like this post! the title and last sentence strikingly poignant. makes me contemplate how my developing interests are continuously isolating me, or the “heart breaks” i’ve consciously subjected myself to.
Hey Tom!
Thanks for stopping by and taking a look through. Yeah, you’ve basically summed up half the content on my blog: “how my developing interests are continuously isolating me or the heart breaks I’ve consciously subjected myself to.” I like to call it modern-day flagellation…a bit rough isn’t it?
I know you’re going into videography? Hope that goes well for you and somewhere along the way you come to a sense of contentedness with your decisions.
best of luck,
angela
Hello, Angela.
I know how you feel. My parents are not living with me in US, my mother is in Korea and my father is in China right now. (I am a Korean by the way) I was separated with them more than 10 years now, it was hard for me to choose what I had to do for them and for myself in the past years. I suggest you to goto graduate school, study hard and reunite with your family.
It seems to me that you love writing as much as you love your family.
I hope all goes well. Fighting! 힘내세요!
Kenny from OC. ^^
p.s nice blog you have. I will visit here more often!
Hi Kenny,
Nice to meet you. Thanks for your candid response. It’s always interesting to meet another Korean-American with similar/dissimilar experiences in the community. 10 years is a very long time, Kenny. I’m glad you’re pulling through, it seems you have a good head on your shoulders. You suggest right! Since this post, I’ve come to terms with going where school calls me.
Wish you the best and stop by again soon,
angela
I see some typos on my reply. Please ignore them!
Love yoru writing style do you have anything published??