Sincere Fear in Exchange for God
It’s been almost 4 years. Even now, I have no retrospect. When my lamp light makes black drapes on the walls, am I back on that street again? I only remember sweating my sheets. How my lids closed heavy over anxious, wide-dilated pupils. How my slackened faith must have created a cellar of demons that knew my Godless isolation. Everything was a ghost: the corner, the door handle, the vent, just ghosts and ghouls–I wasn’t safe. And each dead-leaf morning, I prayed “one more day.”
Because love could be so difficult to refine, I used fear instead. It was the only way I could communicate a sincerity for God. When everything was terrifying beyond their temporal rationale, there was no family or drink I begged for more than Him. And the darker the corner, the vents, the greater my gravity towards Him. Beyond wanting to feel love, I wanted to stay alive though I couldn’t merit it from the unnatural fear I fed Him. I’d stare at my plaster walls, looking for a flicker, making bets in my head. If You’re here, show me a streak of shine. If You think I’ll get through the day, make a clang from the sill. Show me I still have life beyond this.
koh ur so inspiring
A very beautiful autobiographical sketch indeed. You never cease to amaze me on how simply you can evoke the haunting nature of a time passed. Kudos chiqa!
Vivid and beautiful. Haunting. I always say that poets write the best prose, (although I'm no poet) and this just goes to show how true that is. You bring this scene to life in a way we just don't see but also feel in our guts as a reader, even if we don't entirely understand what's going on.I would love to read some of your completed prose. Do you have any novels in the works? Or manuscripts being shopped around, if not already sold?
it almost felt as if my own room started to darken in the middle of the afternoon haha. very nice entry.
Hey Shaun,I apologize for my lack of clarity. I edited a few things and maybe it might help a little. I'm working on a manuscript of sorts, I'll let you know when it's complete. Cheers.
Ah, I didn't mean that it was unclear. What I mean is that with no context, it can stand alone beautifully, as a snippet. You know? Even without context, without knowing anything about you or your previous posts, the piece works beautifully. Good luck on the manuscript. If you need someone to red pen it up when you're done, let me know. I'd love to check it out.
Thanks goodness you came through this dark period of your life successfully. If this is about your life Angela, I pray you never go travel that dark path again. Step by step, one goes very far, and look how far you have come! Perhaps that's why the word ANGEL is within your name all along…
hello angela, thanks for commenting on my blog! it was, at a time, more poetic, now its more blog-ish. your writing is beautiful, i'm so impressed by your ability to accurately translate emotional complexity into wrtten words. i struggle with that ability all the time, which is why I rarely talk! keep posting!
Here is a streak of shine for you.Thank you for your kind comment which was a streak of shine for me.TW
People believe that I am cheerful. Thus I am resigned from darkness. It cannot judge me or hold me. They are Wrong.My darkness is not merely a few episodes patched here and there. It is a history. It has many chapters. Few are revisited. My sheets are also soaked by sweating. My pupils dilated: questions asked to God – Am I being punished? What is this paranoia?As Thomas N. inspired me to write this with his comment I can only say that Allah Almighty please be with you and that your fears (which I realized you have through Thomas N's comment) be purged and not revisited. They are nightmares incarnate.Love your writing. I share your anxiety. Believe it I've walked down there so many times.
This piece touched me deeply. Honesty with God is a rare gift these days. We strive for it and it is always encouraging to see it painted so beautifully in prose. Your writings have an understated elegance that I always enjoy. Looking forward to more.
Thanks for stopping by. When I get a comment on an old post, it gives me the opportunity to read it again. I’m surprised I had any gumption to write about these shadowed moments between myself and God. At the time, I was still so close to the event or “wound”, that writing it seemed nearly chaotic. But there is a joy and honesty that comes through when I write “close”. Thanks again and hope to keep in touch!
I especially like the last few lines of this. Thank you for writing it!
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