She Doesn’t Need to Know
May 2009
It’s strange that distance can make such a difference. When I miss my mom, I kind of close myself off. If I had to say, it feels like heavy leeches hanging off the back of my neck. They hinder the blood flow, making my cognizance go blank—a trickle here and there to strictly allow body movement. I guess it’s a great way to shut off for a little bit without actually slowing down. I like to think that even if she lived in the same country as me, I would still see her as infrequently as I do now.
It’s wrong. I know because she has a life, not here. I could physically nudge and poke the space of separation, it’s felt and endured (as I’m sure it is for any long-distance relationship). The stretch of distance carries islands, the ocean, the zones that keep us apart, and mostly the lost time we can’t make up for. It almost feels like she’s in another dimension. She’s living, but I have no proof except for my memories–of the way she picks out linens and takes her coffee. When I sit down to eat my dinner, she’s not somewhere else doing the same. She’s too far to feel that it’s night and too far to know that she should be hungry now. She’s not where she’s supposed to be, and I’ve been no less selfish thinking this way since I was fifteen. If she was at least in the same state, I wouldn’t have to think of when to call her for Mother’s Day, imagine the cake that I would’ve made for her, the color flowers she might have smelled, and the embrace I know she deserves.
2 eprops =)
As we grow up and grow into adulthood one of the biggest challenges to weaning ourselves off of the care of our parental figures to gain our own strength so we can forge our own way; I know this because I have also began this process. One of the key aspects of maintaining a healthy relationship from across the seas is not to ponder over what you don’t have now but to remember all the wonderful times you had back then with the person and that you have a chance to create even more wonderful memories with those close to you as time goes by.Having been in a loving long distance relationship I know the pain involved of not being physically with the person, but if you dwell over that fact it begins to eat at you and drive you to things made to keep those feelings at bay, sometimes very damaging and scarring things.When you look back at all the moments you and that person made all the negativity washes away, and the only thing on your mind is everything you felt in that moment, that is the kind of thing you should never forget about when you think about someone dear to your heart.I am without doubt your mother would not want you to languish over these sorts of matters and only wishes for you to create your own happiness, the kind she shared with you all those times, the kind that helps us remember what it means to have the unbreakable bonds only those close to one another can share.
Hi Angela, this piece reminded me of the many times I have missed my own mother when she’s not close by. it’s haunting, and I like your voice. How long have you been writing?
Hi Amanda,haha, I haven’t been writing long enough to recognize that I even have a voice? I really appreciate that you can relate, please share your blog with me, I would love to read some of your stuff!
I’m sorry that you are not near your mom. INSHALLAH Allah Almighty will help you; do not worry and stay strong as I know you are.
Thank you for your comment on my blog. Your blog, it’s seriously cool, too.And your post, I’ve read them and I think they’re awesome. I’m not as grown up as you and I don’t even know what life is yet, but you, you can write life in your blog.:)
Angela,You have a way of writing that is emotional and intellectual, never dry and always surprising. You write with meaningful, detailed imagery that can relate, pin-pointedly, to the experiences of many others – while "saying" it (because you do have a "voice") in an elegant and often poignant manner that is strictly your own. I am VERY impressed; with you, with your drive and motives, with your insightful blogger Koiyuki – it seems all of your supporters can sense the truths that flow from within you, and rigthfully so. Please, continue; create, share, inspire
Thank you for your comment on my latest poem.. your very accomplished, I'm in awe….I consider myself a poet wannabe but people like you have true talent.. poignant poem.. rainbows to you:-)